It started when I was young, about the age of 9 I guess. Solitude and burying myself in novels and story books formed a mojor part of me.At that time,the discovery of my personality was not a priority though now that I know, my introvert self must have began at that point.
Series after series,chapter by chapter,I flipped the pages of my favorite past time. Of course I followed series from the likes of authors such as Enid Blyton,authors of hardy boys,famous, five e.t.c but the Sweet Valleys were never my thing, No No. So one day,I stumbled upon R.L Stine and there I was, addicted to the likes of Goosebumps,Fear Street,Animorphs e.t.c. The fascination of werewolves,were-cats, spells,witchcraft e.t.c grabbed me like a randy embrace.My new addiction manifested to new urges and new interests.
At the age of 14,my thirst for knowledge of the paranormal and extra-terrestrial grew bigger. I delved into Satanic sites in quest for knowledge any time I got opportunity to browse the internet in the KTTC students cybers. Internet was expensive those days,but thank God for growing up in a learning institution,things came subsidized. The paranormal research dint go too well and I had to abort my mission after stumbling into an awfully bad satanic site that scared the blood out of me and made me realize that I shouldn’t click the next button if I belonged to God. So I surrendered with the online paranormal research things.Moving on, horror became my favorite film and black my favorite color. I was slowly being initiated to the goth family.
My dress code slowly transformed,and most of all there was in my wardrobe was black and boyish. My ornaments had skulls, bones and crosses. I do not know were this enthusiasm came from but it was getting stronger.
I dint realize it until campus,when a God fearing lecturer called Amos approached me with the Word. Still,I convinced myself that I am God-fearing and my interests are just simply interests.
It was not until my best friend departed that I got a wake up call.See all I could think of was finding a way to communicate with the dead. My friends warned me that once I opened that door,I would never come back. I did not listen. I yearned to visit the graveside. My good friend Silla brought me back to my sense and made me realize how stupid I was when I contemplated suicide for a split second.I kinda thought ad meet him in the astral plane.Yea,now it looks insane!My online mourning through my blog can give you a glimpse of the torture. However true or not the astral plane is,may all the souls of the pre-maturely dearly departed see the light (now am talking like a pagan…shindwe!!)
I vividly remember the nightmares,the sleep walks,the dark forces that woke me up at night.Tears of despondency and sadness still cascade down my “skinny” cheeks when I think about it. I remember the torment, I remember the fights and the prayers.I prayed so damn hard.I wanted it all to go away. I thought my experiences could be as a result of my gothic nature but I was glad that it was just a part of grief.I sure did get the full grief thing as outlined in this article http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/dealing-with-grief/5-stages-of-grief/ and this http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/end-of-life/in-depth/suicide/art-20044900. And maybe that could be the reason as to why such behaviors manifested. But its good they did because now I understand me better.
As Emily Clark said, while everyone around you might be thinking it is time to move on or that you have finally begun to cope or “normalize”, you may be churning with turmoil and only beginning to understand the magnitude of what you’ve really lost. Friends and family can discourage you from open grieving, telling you to be happy, to move one, its the past, but that only worsens your situation. So what I have learnt is never to suppress feelings.
A major part of it did go away, and I am more determined to be closer to the Creator. For it is in God that I found comfort and peace. Yes, though my grief is not intense now, I do get setbacks once in a while but I understand its normal. It is important to identify any out of the ordinary feeling you have, any break downs.Remove them from your system whichever way you know best. Mine is through writing.
In life,we need to discover the basis of why we are who we are, whether its a good thing or bad thing and whether we need a change. I did not know why I was obsessed with dark things despite being God fearing, but as you now know, it began with the kind of books I read when my mind was still young and pure,capable of grasping stuff like a magnet attracting coins in temple run.
So I am re tracing my spiritual steps from early child hood to now. The events in life that caused a ripple effect to my spirituality. There are noticeably Mega improvements that have come as a result 🙂